Today: it is all about nostalgia.

This past month of May has been Crazy. We have had proms, visits from families, appointments, allergies and all the end of the year stuff that comes with a graduating senior. Since I am pretty much an open book, it is no surprise to my friends and family that I suffer from clinical depression and acute anxiety disorder. Unfortunately, my middle baby has inherited those traits and is on the same boat as I am. Usually it is a sinking one, but we muddle thru as best as we can. Along with her diagnosis with ASD or autism disorder, it is all we can do stay afloat and figure our way thru the really hard days.
It is hard for my family to understand our conditions, but bless their hearts… They try so very hard to have compassion and empathy not just for me, but also their sister. As Zoe gets older, her challenges become greater. I become more stressed and we fall Into a cycle of behavior that is not good for anyone. We are not sure where this will take us or what the final outcome will be.
In all of this, I have become a warrior. For my children, my family, my own well being. Lord knows there are days when I just want to crawl into my bed and let world go away…and sometimes I do. And that is ok.
As I said before, we have had visits from our family members with children (I like to call them the next generation) i love all of my nieces, nephews, extended family and friends. It is a joy to my heart to be able to connect and see all these marvelous little beings grow and flourish. It does my heart good to hear titi chela and know that I am making memories with these precious babies. I hurt that I am not able to be apart of other family members lives, but I accept and move on. It is ok.
Now we enter that next phase of life. Our first born is graduating from high school and will be attending Hunter College in the fall. She has big dreams and a good head on her shoulders. Even though she will commuting to school from home, I know that nothing will be the same. And that is ok too.
We fumble, fall and search for our way in this life and the end all you have left are the memories you have collected. The good and the bad, the happy and hard times…and you wonder, did I do all that I could have done? Maybe or maybe not…but the wonder in all of it is the TRYING. Don’t you agree?


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